Riding Waves with Angel

We are less than five minutes out when hubby says to Angel,  ‘You know today is all about what you need and want. If you said you wanted to turn around and drive back to London now, I would - no questions asked. And if at any point it feels too much, we can just leave and go home.’  I add, ‘Whatever you feel is OK too. Me and Dad are good with whatever you feel’.  She smiles. I love my hubby; it was exactly what she needed to hear. The meeting has been set at Whipsnade Animal Park, in the entrance cafe. Birth Mum and the social worker arrive before us, as planned. I see them through the cafe window as we approach in heavy rain.  We shake off wet umbrellas, and I hug birth mum. It is more than a hug - it’s a squeeze, a rock, and eventually a kiss on the cheek, and still it doesn’t feel enough to express what I am feeling. The hug that says all the words we can’t find. We both cry. Eventually we pull apart, laughing at ourselves, and she asks if she can hug Angel. Thei...

It came to me all in a rush this morning, I feel scared of losing Angel. There, I’ve said it. It feels somehow unspeakable, unevolved. I wonder if other adopted parents feel like this, but I guess other adopted parents don’t often go seeking to meet birth mothers. But it’s not just meeting birth Mum, I feel the shifting waters anyway as she turns away from me to the phone, her friends, a darkened room with the door firmly shut. Fourteen feels like a territory all its own. I remember a mum once saying parenthood felt like a series of incremental losses, but I didn’t really get it until now. I’ve felt it in moments, but I’ve been so busy riding the waves with Angel, I didn’t notice she’s increasingly on her own board. And it’s so much loss to look at, my loss of not having a birth child, her loss of her birth family, one foster family and then another, and birth mum’s loss of Angel and the other children that were taken away. Our whole story was born of loss and I feel it all interwoven ...

The Zoom meeting was at 2.30pm. We are all on time and, as the faces come into focus, there is some adjustment needed with birth mum and the social worker in different bottom corners of the screen. They shuffle closer, tilt the screen, heads briefly disappearing and reappearing. I can see birth mum is nervous, still; she is holding herself very carefully. ‘It’s nerve-racking isn’t it, although not sure why, like when you’re getting married,’ I say, trying to break the tension, and we all laugh. The laugh lands, but lightly. ‘I was thinking about what we needed to talk about in this call,’ I continue carefully, feeling the weight of emotion, ‘and thought it would be good to tell you a bit more about Angel, but wanted to know if you wanted to say anything first.’ ‘I just want to thank you for giving Angel such a good home and being amazing parents’, birth mum says. The words hit hard, which feels silly, as I had expected tears. I ask hubby to pass me the tissues, knowing I won’t manage t...

I wanted to go back to getting funding approved for the new school once we had the EHCP as I felt it might be useful for other parents. Once the decision rejecting the EHCP was overturned at mediation, I found it hard to figure out next steps. After much chasing my local authority confirmed that the draft EHCP would be ready to view shortly and I would have 15 days to review and make comments. This was at the start of February and they confirmed that the whole process should be completed by 3rd March. However, it transpired that this did not include approving the school setting, only that the EHCP would be approved, which was very confusing as it also stated that the EHCP could not be approved without naming a school.  When I read through the draft EHCP I felt utterly overwhelmed. This was a legally binding document and I felt so much was riding on it that any small slip-up or omission might undermine Angel’s entire future.  I tried contacting the virtual head teacher for my b...