Undone

I am undone. 

I didn’t expect this to undo me.

I only ever thought about it from Angel's point of view and overlooked myself. 

I dream of the abortion I had in my 20’s, of the miscarriage in my 40’s and all the losses along the way that preceded adopting Angel. 

It’s ironic because you are not allowed to apply to adopt until six months after your last IVF treatment, but by the time we came to adoption we were so hell-bent on having a child we didn’t grieve.

Our sole focus was counting down to start the adoption process.

Renovate the house - tick.
Get a dog - tick.
Get ready.

Then you have the whole arduous, often frustrating and stressful assessment. Finally, you get offered a child. Then there are more hoops to jump through.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Eventually, after what seems like another forever, you are doing introductions and you bring home a fully functioning, for us, 22-month-old, baby.

This child is scared and traumatised and you actually have no idea who they are or how they might react in any given situation.

And off you go. 

It’s a shock becoming a parent even when you have given birth, but to suddenly have a traumatized two year old, is something else altogether. 

Now, with an incredibly well-balanced, emotionally articulate fourteen-year-old who wants her own space, I finally have the room to process my feelings.

And into that space I drop meeting birth mum.

POW. 

I am swimming in a sea of polarities.

Grateful - grief-stricken

Happy - sad

Hope -  heartbreak

I love this woman with such burning intensity, and yet I also wish she didn’t exist.

I am glad it was the best day of Angel’s life but broken-hearted I couldn’t give her the best day of her life, that she felt a void that I couldn’t fill. 

And yet it was beautiful.
Big, bountiful love.
More gratitude than could be expressed.

This is everything, everywhere, all at once.

I see now why parents of adoptees so often shy away from contact with birth family, birth mum and dad especially, which is why, I guess, it’s so rare.

You have to contend with the biological facts when you have a birth parent standing in front of you. 

I used to think I wanted to have Angel from birth so she could have avoided the multiple moves that caused so much additional trauma.

But now I see.

Actually, I just want her to be mine.

I want to have grown her in my belly.

A few days after, birth mum texts me. 

My heart tightens. I am not ready for more contact yet, my heart is too stretched. I feel anxious. 

‘How are you all? How is Angel processing the meet’, she asks.

I say how well Angel is doing, how unfazed.

“I’m still processing. A lot bound up in it for me, as I imagine there is for you.”

I add a heart emoji with a bandage. I tell her Angel is keen to meet her sisters, but think we should let everything settle first and then I’ll be in touch.

She replies:

Wow she really is incredible, especially for her age. Yes, I’m struggling to process what’s happened. It’s all positive, just feels jumbled like a dream. I totally understand this must be so difficult for you. But please remember you are and always will be her everything. And if you guys need time that’s ok too. Sending my love to you all xxx.

I am walking the dog when the text lands, but the tears roll down my cheeks unchecked. 

I thank her for understanding and tell her what an incredible person she is, how much love and respect I have for her.

I read the messages to hubby when I get home and cry again.

I am happy I gave her my number.

It is OK.

She gets it.

And soon this will all become normal.

We will text and meet and, like with the twins, it will just become part of what we do as a family.

I knew this day would come. I have been actively nurturing this exact scenario.

It is brilliant. It is perfect.

But just for a minute I also need to nurse my own loss.

I am not her only mum.

The social worker checks in to say it was a privilege to be part of such a special day and lovely to meet me, hubby and Angel.

“She’s an amazing young lady.”

I know.
I know.
I know.

I tell her the meeting has brought up a lot for me, and about birth mum’s text.

She says:

“You are Angel’s everything. That was very clear to see on Sunday, as was her relationship with her Dad. I imagine the strength of your family unit is the reason she is managing so well.”

I know.
I know.
I know.

We did a brilliant thing. 

I want to advocate that more parents of adoptees do this if birth parents are able and willing.

We can see it is only going to make Angel’s life better, bigger, more complete.

We are lucky her birth mum was willing, able and evolved.

But I also know we helped make that possible through the correspondence we shared, the relationship and bonds we built right from the start.

But none of it is easy.

What in life that is worthwhile ever is?

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